North Korea, Best Korea!
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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