I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
