i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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