no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Randomize
