Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
