I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
