I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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