she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
