i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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