I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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