Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
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How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
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I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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