Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
