Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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