And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
