When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
