We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
