Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Randomize
