My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
