What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
