don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Alive.
So much puke
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize