i need an iv and a liver transplant
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
