he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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