I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
