she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
