Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
