If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
