here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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