he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
