I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
