this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
