apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
