On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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