if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
