Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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