i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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