oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
