Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I party with great urgency now.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
