I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
