you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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