At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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