i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
It was confusing and full of hummus
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
