You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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