nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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