just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
