FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
