i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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