I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
