Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
sarcasm needs its own font
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
