i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
