Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
