I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
