sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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