Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
