she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
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