I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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