you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
